Father’s Day is such a difficult time for me…even still.
My Dad died July 20th 2003 and sometimes, it’s still so very painful. Even though we had 5 months to prepare for his death and we knew he was/is much better off, being without him was far more painful than anything I had ever experienced.
I’ve always been compassionate with people during this time as we all grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to deal with it.
Death, in general, is hard for us to deal with. Even as a Christian and knowing that my loved one is in Heaven and there will be a grand reunion day someday, the journey of separation is still a tough one.
Many people feel awkward and have no clue what to say or do for someone who is grieving deeply. They fear that they will say or do the wrong thing and cause more pain. I can say with complete assurance that NOT saying or doing anything WILL cause more pain.
Here are some things that I’ve done and have had done for me. Nothing is a sure thing, but, trust me, it all helps.
- Acknowledge the pain – It’s ok to say “I’m sorry.” And nothing more. Many feel that those few words is simply not enough, but it truly is. You don’t have to go into a long dissertation about why you are sorry. A gentle smile, hug and I’m sorry is more valuable than you’ll ever know.
- Send a card – Send a card when the death occurs AND then, depending on the relationship, send throughout the year. Going with them on the journey of “1st” is especially helpful. A card on their first Christmas without them. Their first birthday without them and then the person that died…their birthday. If it was a child, I encourage you to do something monthly. I can’t imagine this type of loss, but a year of letting them know you thought of them and the loss they are dealing with is priceless. In 2000, both my children’s best friends died. Megan was 5 ½ and Todd had just turned 9. I knew and deeply loved both those children. Saw them weekly and spent a lot of time with them. I didn’t know what to do, but felt that I had to do something. I sent both mothers a poem, card, verses – something – anonymously each month for a while. If you don’t know certain dates… then send something on the date that the loved one passed away.
- Hug them and often – When the dust settles and time has passed, gently hug them and tell them they are in your thoughts. Don’t think that by remembering you’ll bring more pain. You won’t. You’ll bring more joy because of the fact you remembered.
- Use the name of the loved one that died – Their name is being said less and heard less now. Use it. A while back I was in the neighborhood that I grew up in and stopped in for a hot dog at the little hole in the wall place that has been there since I was a little girl. I have no clue who it was, but while I was waiting, someone came in and placed an order and then turned to me and said “You are John Horne’s daughter aren’t you?” I smiled and said yes, I was. He smiled, shook his head and said “I sure do miss Big John. He was a good ole boy with a huge heart.” I smiled and thanked him for those kind words…and yes, my eyes filled with tears, but I was so thankful for that moment.
- Take Action– Don’t just ask the family members, “do you need anything?” Don’t do it. In all honesty, they don’t know. So, if you’ll permit me to, I’ll give you a few things that are ALWAYS needed.
- Disposable plates, cups, forks, spoons and napkins
- Drinks and ice
- Food, other than chicken. J seriously… a sweet saint that is now in Heaven herself, brought chinese to our dads house during his last few days. I told her later on that she made our day as we were all chickened out.
- Breakfast – Stop by and get a dozen biscuits, drop them off on your way to work. Believe me when I say… someone is NOT sleeping.
- Trash bags
- Candy and snack basket. Many people are dropping in and out and they always have children. This is a huge help for the mom that wants to visit with her friend during this time of sorrow.
- Fold up chairs – even soccer chairs that we carry in our trunks. Put your name on it and let them borrow it.
- Pizza – sometimes there is no warning of death, but other times…there is, like with my dad. One night, while sitting up with him – it was 2am and we all wanted pizza. Thankfully we ordered and got one.
- Continue to be a source of light and encouragement for the one’s left behind – This is huge. Encourage them to do things for others, take them out to a dinner or even just window shopping. Allow them to cry without making them feel guilty. And never, ever say… “it’s been “x” amount of time, you should be over it.” Encourage them to do something for someone else. Little things. I spent 2 years in a dark depression after my dad died. To this day, I don’t remember much about those 2 years and even just in the past year or so, found out things I didn’t even know. For instance, even though I was trying to prepare everyone for his death and though I was prepared myself – when they compassionately took my father away, as if he were asleep and not in a body bag – all I could do was hug him and cry out I’m sorry…over and over. I’m sorry. “Someone” grabbed me and just held me while I sobbed. For seven years, I had no idea who that was. Discussing it sometime later, I found out. And, I couldn’t remember what brought me out of my deep depression. My sister told me not long ago that it was the ladies that wanted to “be a secret sister” in church but their limited finances kept them from it. I literally poured myself into getting things donated so that they could do something for someone else. Does this always work? I don’t know, but I do know that there is always more joy in giving of ourselves to others than we ever imagine.
- Go over and volunteer your services – Don’t just say, “I can come over and help.” Just show up. Chat with them and throw away cups that have been left out, napkins lying on the counter and take out the trash. Load the dishwasher and do the “obvious” stuff. THEN ask, “While I’m here, let me be a blessing to you, what is next?”
Be a friend during this most difficult time. That is the main thing.
We all grieve differently. We all walk on the journey of separation in our own way. It doesn’t mean we have to go it alone. Get counseling, seek medical help and/or wrap yourself with the love of those that are left behind with you.
May I add one more thing? NOW is the time to say I love you. Now is the time to forgive. Now is the time to spend time with those you love. Now! We are not guaranteed tomorrow.
[whispering] Happy Father’s Day Dad. This journey has been harder than any, but my prayer is that through my pain, voice and time apart from you that someone else receives a blessing. I love you and miss you dearly.
If you’ve been here, on this journey of separation, please help us help others by sharing in the comment section below what made a difference for you during the time your heart was grieving.
*this article is listed at the Grace&Truth linkup found here
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I know these things all helped me through my dad passing- and still help me to this day. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I miss him, but I know I will see him again.
I just read “Good Grief!” by Erica McNeal (doing a book review on Wed of it). It’s amazing and fits your post nicely.
I was trying to think of a good Father’s Day post – but i actually dread the holiday. While I love my husband and my step dad dearly…i miss my dad tremendously. This is what came from trying to do something for fathers day 🙂
I’m so thankful we’ll see our dads again. such a gift.
thank you for the encouragement that you are are to me and so many….but especially me.
@spreadingJOY
When my sister died, I felt like I had to be the strong one for everyone else. Because it was so sudden and she was so young, it was completely unexpected. For the first few days I would go off away from everyone and cry, really bawl by myself because when I was around everyone else, they were looking to me.
One friend a few weeks later brought me a silver trinket box with my sisters name engraved on the top of it. I stood there and wept. She just let me cry, and held me. That moment spoke volumes more than a thousand words could have.
Just because someone is strong…never assume that they have it all under control and don’t need someone to lean on.
Everybody needs somebody…sometimes…
Marlo T. Wells recently posted..Forgiveness: Giving Up and Letting Go
this is so true. I thought i was prepared. I thought i knew it would be for the best and that made me feel like i would be ok. I was far from ok.
you bring up a valid point – in that the hug of a friend, just allowing you to simply cry, not speaking a single word spoke volumes.
even if we just cry together – that is huge.
thank you – for adding this! I know how painful the loss of your sister still is and I know how much this will help so many!
{HUGS}
@spreadingJOY
Very sensitive and thoughtful advice. So many don’t know what to do or say – so hey do and say nothing. It can be very isolating, can’t it? Your information and suggestions are very practical.
Sometimes we so desperately want to help so much, but think that the little simple things aren’t enough. but they actually speak volumes, just as Marlo Mentioned above.
I hope that even when you just smile and are “there” for someone going through the journey of separation, that you will remember that you are making ahuge difference for them.
thank you Melody for stopping and adding to this discussion!
{{HGUS}} lol leaving the typo for you. 🙂
hugs
@spreadingJOY
Hi Marie
I’m very sorry about your day but all ways
know he is in your heart and he an angel
watching down over you.
I’ve been thinking what I could do for Dad’s
day but I don’t remember much about him.
I was only 6 years old when he passed away.
But this is amazing how just yesterday I was
talking to a friend who I’ve know for a while. I met
her on yuwie and when that site went down most
went to twitter or FB. I talk to her allot on FB.
But she lost her daughter at a young age. A couple
months ago and since her daughter passing she couldn’t
go to church because of fear of breaking down and crying
from people asking her questions. I new her FB friends asked
questions about her daughter. So I had said to her that my be
if she did a news letter explaining what happened and put some
of the answer from FB that she answered to her friends. I all so
told her my be blogging and some other things would help her.
I was so surprised that she liked what I had told her and she
going to use some of the ideas. She couldn’t thank me enough.
To from the way she was chatting I could tell she still hurting that
I just new she needed to here I love you and hugs.
I’m just so glad I was there to help and it doesn’t have to be in
the real world to help some one dealing with death.
Hugs Bonnie
Bonnie Squires recently posted..I need your Love!
Sometimes just talking and remembering – even though very painful, it is very healing as well. and you are also correct, social media is a wonderful way to help others that are grieving. we can silently sit by and watch them hurt or offer a warm virtual hug and simply “chat” with them. it’s huge!
thank you for the impact that you have with so many!
I wish someone–anyone–would have done these things for me when my mom passed. THAT was probably the most difficult part of her passing. It seemed like no one really cared, particularly my church family. It was incredibly disappointing and discouraging. I wonder if I’d be dealing with her death differently had I felt loved during that time. Of course my husband was amazing, but it was just him who really seemed to care (for me and how I was feeling).
Thanks for sharing this. It’s VALUABLE information and I will be sharing it with others, for sure!
Tristine recently posted..July 8: Your Life of Faith
Sometimes our church family, even though close to us, often are the ones that don’t know what to say or how to help. I hope that as you share this article that others will see just how comforting it is as well as helpful! I’m praying for you during this your first year of “firsts” as it will be difficult. I don’t know when birthdays are or anniversaries are, but know that as you journey along, someone is praying for you.
And… if you need a smile…YOU know how to get me. 🙂
{{HUGS}}
Xoxoxox you bless me Tristine. Thank you for all you do, for how you care and for the light you shine!
Marie recently posted..Wisdom From Proverbs 2
Thanks for sharing this article. I just lost a dear friend to cancer last night. He had a long, 3 year battle. I don’t know if he was saved at the end, but I prayed for him & sent him a Gospel of John a few weeks ago, with a letter & some other things. your article helps me in supporting his family through this time. I can’t afford some of the things, but I can send a card here & there. I can even make one for his mom, other family members. Thanks for all the tips. God bless.
@christine
I’m sorry i forgot to come back and let you know i was praying for you during this time of separation. i’m so glad you were able to get him the Gospel of John.
harness the power of ecards too. it all helps and truly does make a difference!
big HUGS for you!
Spreading Joy recently posted..2012 Back To School Event
If it seems the grief process is especially complicated, it might be helpful to recommend a grief support group. We have a wonderful community grief support agency in Birmingham, and it’s free. It’s often helpful to connect with others who are also dealing with loss, so as to not feel so alone or different. Sometimes we think nobody understands what we’re going through. It’s sometimes good to learn about grief, to reduce fear, anxiety, etc.
Tiffany,
thank you for this info. Many people do not realize that there are actually FREE support agencies like that, and even through I knew it, i didn’t even think to mention it!! thank you for reminding us!!
dealing with grief is such an isolating time because we feel like we should be over it or wonder how long it will last etc. but there is no perfect way to deal with grief. its an individual thing.
thank you so much for this great reminder!!
That is perfect advice. Exactly what someone would need at such a time. Thanks for sharing.
thank you Nic! If you think of anything we can add, please let us know!
Every one of these is right on! When my husband died, the people who did the things you mentioned made the grief burden lighter. Other people, though well-intentioned, said or did things that made it harder. I am going to print out your list as a reminder of the loving ways to minister to someone going through a loss. Well worth sharing. Thank you!
thank you Linda! I pray that as you share, others will be encouraged and feel like they can help without feeling awkward.
Visiting from the Grace & Truth link up. Thank you so much for linking this poignant and important reminder to friends & family of those hurting with deep loss. I pray that as time goes on you’re mourning is turning to joy & you are reminded of the blessing of your dad’s life to you, even if it was shorter than you would’ve liked. God is good and God is sovereign. I’m so thankful for these tangible ways to serve those who are hurting. Thank you!
Holly Brown recently posted..Grace & Truth Link-Up
We’d love to spread your around social media and give you the opportunity to win the giveaway but you’ll need to link back to the Grace & Truth link-up. Hope to come back and see it here soon!
thanks Holly! I couldn’t get the button to work, so I linked back and put it on my “where i share” page as well.
Excellent post, thank you so much for sharing this with us at Good Morning Mondays. Both my parents have passed away and I can say that all these steps would really have helped and some did. Blessings to you.
Terri Presser recently posted..FIRST BIRTHDAY CAKE
a LOT of GREAT tips – that we need to be reminded about..
Andi recently posted..What’s In July 26’s RedPlum Coupon Insert?
Take action – that is such a good one! I learned that when my nephew passed – it’s better to just DO than to ASK!
Caroline @ In Due Time recently posted..The Environment + Infertility: Polystyrene
I lost my dad in 2007 and it still hurts me. All of ideas for offering support for someone grieving the loss of the loved one are good. As you know, when you are grieving, you don’t know what you need because you are in so much pain. Likewise, those who want to comfort those in mourning don’t always know what to do. These things should help both sides quite a bit.
Mary Collins recently posted..Veil of Tears Movie Brings Hope to Asia
This post is so helpful for me, Marie.I’m one of those people who have no idea what to do or say when people are grieving. I do the worst possible thing- pretend nothing ever happened. Thank you SO much for these practical ideas and for listing things to take to the family when death happens. I can’t imagine going through the loss of both your kids’ best friends simultaneously. It would be a great post if you wrote about how you talked with your kids and how to deal with this situation as a parent. I know I’d definitely read it!
Jelli recently posted..Rustic Chocolate Picnic Cake
I love the idea about sending a card once and then sending cards throughout the year! I always really struggle with wanting to do something, but not know what to do. I just LOVE all of these ideas and I’m sure I’ll be referring to this list in the future.
I’m so sorry for your loss, but take heart, your suffering will work for the good of others through this list. Thanks again!
Ally King recently posted..Simple Chores for Young Kids
One of the most practical article on grief that I have read. I was nodding my head through each one. We had a sweet lady who sent us flowers on Sarah’s birthday each year until she passed away. Another gave us money to eat out on the anniversary of Sarah’s death. I still have friends who remember her birthday and death date.
Pamela recently posted..Finding the Holy in the Mundane
You could write so much about #1 alone. Letting pain be real pain is so important. Acknowledging its presence and validity is imperative.
Roxanne recently posted..Becoming Foster Parents: Opening Our Hearts to Certain Pain
I love tips! THey are so practical! And how many times during the week do I think about someone who is having a rough time and I don’t do anything!?! Thank you for this!
Danielle recently posted..5 Ways to be Patient with Hubby
These are such great, encouraging ideas. I will be keeping these in mind!
Nicole recently posted..Quick Tip Tuesday: Facebook. Just Stop.
This is great advice. I’m sharing it on FB.
Melanie recently posted..A Year Of Dates [Happy Birthday, Hubby!]
Thank you for sharing these tips and your heart! It’s so hard to know what to do and you have given some great advice! Sharing this!
Cathy
These are great tips, I always remember that it is not really helpful to just say “if you need anything, let me know” That is not really serving and caring, it’s a quick way to get out of actually doing anything because they will probably not call on me. So I just do something, bring them food, send them cards, actually stop by and do something practical (I’ve watched kids while they nap, or even cleaned a friends bathrooms once).
Marissa
These steps are very crucial in dealing with grief. We can’t just get it wrong when someone is in so much pain. If we are not careful, we just add to the pain. Lovely Post!
Matilda recently posted..ME AND MY ITCHY EARS!
Coping with grief is hard for so many people. I’m glad that you mentioned the value of volunteering to help support them during their time of grief. Usually most people don’t like to do much or feel much during a time of significant loss. Helping in just the slightest is a good way to show your support.